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Writing Task 1 essay revised
highlighted with red color - critical grammatical/lexical mistakes or noticeable
problems with sentence structure that affect coherence
highlighted with yellow color - less critical stylistic mistakes
The chart below shows the percentage of male and female teachers in six
different types of educational setting in the UK in 2010. You should write
at least 150 words.
The given bar graph illustrates the proportion of men and women teaching the (1)
students among the (2) different(3) educational institutions in the UK in 2010.
It is interesting (4) to note that the majority of female teachers works (5) in
pre-school/nursery, and (6) most male teachers works in university. According to the
illustration, schoolchildren was taught (7) mostly by women in pre-school and
primary school which is approximately 90% of the all school staff (8). This rate is
significantly higher almost 3 times then the rate it gave to the university (9). The
second and the third highest rates of female teachers WERE OBSERVED IN to
secondary SCHOOL and college, private training institute, roughly 50 %
respectively. Moreover, the percentages of female and male teachers WERE equal in
the college of the UK.
In secondary school male teachers became more popular among students in the UK
and continuing on an upward trend until reaching a peak at 70% in the university of
UK, when it nearly doubled the percentage in secondary school. (10)
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1) the - (Вы говорите не про каких-то определенных студентах, а в целом,
поэтому “the” здесь не нужно)
2) the - a similar mistake, you refer to educational institutions generally
3) different - as far as the word “different” was already mentioned in the Task,
you could paraphrase by using “various”, or just write “among 6 educational
institutions”
4) It is interesting to note - it is better to use more academic phrase, for ex. “it
is worth mentioning” or “it should be noted”
5) works - “majority of female workers” means many female workers, so you
were supposed to write “work”
6) and - to show a contrasting trend, we suggest to write “while” or “whilst”,
however, it is not a very critical mistake
7) was taught - Children (Plural) were taught
8) which is approximately 90% of the all school staff - who amounted to
90% of school staff at this level of education
9) The rate is significantly higher almost 3 times then the rate it gave
to the university - the problem with sentence structure. Возможно вы
хотели сказать “Этот процент (женщин) в 3 раза выше, чем процент
учителей-женщин в университете - The rate is 3 times higher than the
percentage of female teachers at University.
10)In secondary school male teachers became more popular among
students in the UK and continuing on an upward trend until
reaching a peak at 70% in the university of UK, when it nearly
doubled the percentage in secondary school. - The problem occurred
with sentence structure. В предложении есть деепричастный оборот
(continuing on), Gerund (until reaching), сложноподчиненное
предложение, но нет глагола (сказуемого). Такое предложение не
является полноценным и затрудняет понимание, то есть влияет на
Coherence, Task achievement. You should write “in secondary school males
outnumbered female teachers. Since then, male started to dominate in
education”
Advisor’s comments: В целом прослеживается логика и понятный анализ
написания (Coherence), грамматические ошибки за исключением последнего
body не сильно затрудняют понимание. Task achievement выполнен, 165 слов,
эссе отвечает на вопрос. Approximate band - 6.0
Task achievement: 7.0
Coherence: 5.5
Grammatical range and accuracy - 5.0
Lexical resource - 6.0